This post was originally published on 17 May 2018

*Warning – this post may contain triggers*

I know it may be distressing, but sometimes, no always, when I hit rock bottom I count my reasons to stay alive.

Having been to that place more than I\’d like to admit, I\’d gotten into the subconscious practise of doing it without reason. A reminder, almost, to keep me going before I hit rock bottom, again. 
It happens, with some of us humans. Some of us I think are prone to revisiting the same dark places. Maybe down to past traumas that stay with us, genes that we inherit or God knows what is responsible. I don\’t actually think thoughts of suicide are uncommon. I just think some of us are more open and honest about it than others. I\’ve already felt the sting of stigma and shame, and now, I just care a lot less about what people think. A lot less. Maybe one day, I hope, I won\’t care at all. I see that hiding it hurts more than it helps.

In the past when I\’d tried to end my life, I couldn\’t think of any reason why I should stay here, in this place, where often, it feels like I am a stranger, unbelonging.

But having survived two serious attempts, I don\’t know. The world seemed different when I woke from my slumber.I felt different. Not new. Just, it felt like I was seeing with new eyes.

Now, I can count reasons to stay. So I do.

First I count, all the beautiful people I have been so blessed to love, and who actually love me back.Of beautiful best friends who I must see again. Of Jaqs and baby J who I want to know me. Who must know, he is well loved by his aunty, though he is yet to know her. Of Gaysh, whose face I dream of seeing again soon.

Of precious grandparents who I must see again before they depart for the next life.

Of the stories I am yet to tell.

Of the stories I am yet to hear.

Of the people I am yet to love, and who are yet to love me.

I think of love.

Of the souls whose lives I am yet to touch, and whose lives are yet to touch mine.

I think of what grand possibilities might be, but won\’t, if I remove myself prematurely from this space.

What difference can I make?

It is haunting.

What reasons keep you alive?

Gentle hugs  x

Cover photo byStefany Andrade

Slider image byJoshua Fuller