It’s nearly Christmas, and my heart is going through the motions.

For the first time in ever, I’ve set up Christmas lights in my living room, and got teary eyed whilst doing so, thinking about family, and old Christmases with my loved ones,  who are no longer here. 

If you asked me if I liked Christmas it would never be a clear yes or no. The holiday is full of mixed feelings, nostalgia mixed with sorrow, joy and longing.

I imagine Christmas is like this for many.

I’ve spent many, many Christmases alone, uncelebrated. 

But sometimes, I want to remember the things that my Ma loved celebrating. I want to remember the things my Grampie was infamous for around this holiday. I want to remember what Christmases were like when my family still felt like a family, and through my child’s eyes, there was only love, and sweet anticipation, and the only arguments were about leaving the cake in the oven too long, or someone putting the curtains up the wrong way. 

Inevitably, I cry. This wistful ache is a kind of beautiful sadness. The older I get, the more I understand what my Ma and Grampie felt when they told me once in convo that they sometimes get overcome by a kind of grief. 

Still, what can we do? We’re still here, so we have to plod on as best as we can. 

What a holiday. 

Remember, you can mark it however you want. That’s what I’ve done, year after year.

In the years that I as overcome with sorrow and longing, I marked nothing, had lovely servings of mulled wine and went to sleep, and woke up after the holiday had ended.

Other times, I’ve celebrated with friends. Some years, I went to volunteer at the shelter for homeless people.

Do whatever your heart calls for.

Whatever you decide, you are not alone, and remember there is support if you need it. 

Tomorrow will be better. There will be light. Sorrow will always be there. Our loved ones cannot return. But they would want us to be happy. So try to smile and live on. 

We get this one ticket of life and when it’s done, it’s done, so live each moment with gratitude and love. We can still find happiness amidst our pain.

Lots of love to you.

Gentle hugs x

Alisha