You know how I feel about the holidays. Bittersweet time of year. I love to hate it.
I love the scent of heated mulled wine in the chilled winter air at Christmas markets; Christmas lights and the nip in the air on a still, sunny morning. Seeing couples holding hands wrapped up warm.
I miss the goodness of a Trinidadian Christmas too- the smell of new vinyl being laid on the kitchen floor. My Ma directing my cousin as she hung new curtains, and the smell of fresh cakes baking in the oven with bread late into the night as I fell asleep on myself. And in the morning, the sound of shuffling in the kitchen, the sweet welcoming smells lingering from the kitchen even while I was still under my covers. Ma fussing to get me to eat. Trini parang music, Grampie’s jokes and family visits on Boxing Day.
I’ve not had a Christmas in Trinidad in over a decade. Life circumstances. And my Ma is no longer here. She went last year.Mama Claire left a few years before.
I was always prone to feeling blue at the holidays. Add everything on top of living with chronic pain. As time goes by, the more we lose, the more bitter it gets. But equally, the more I live, having survived two near fatal depressive episodes and coming out the other side, I see the sweetness of it all, even with the bitter. Like an orange when you accidentally eat the rind.
Life is pain but it is beauty. It is tears but it is laughter too. We can learn to enjoy some bits of Christmas even with the hurt.
I won’t rehash all my past suggestions for coping over the holidays. Instead I’d just like to remind you to do what makes you happy, as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else. Traditions are great sometimes, but not if they cause you pain (physical or emotional). It’s okay not to observe them. Keep a clean heart and appreciate the small things. Take time and be present. Nothing lasts, and that, in a bittersweet way, is the beauty of it all.
Gentle hugs and Happy Christmas to you friends. Love and peace to you.
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