Why do we stay?

I wish there was an easy answer to this. For those of us who struggle, who want to leave, who don’t feel like we belong.

There’s no easy answer but there is reason and I know because I’ve found it.

Life isn’t and hasn’t been easy. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my posts are becoming fewer and farther in between.

Over the past few years or so life has been getting in the way- loss after loss, grief and illness to the pandemic and adapting to new ways of living. Life!

I’m always thinking of you – my friends out there who read the blogs, and I’m always thinking of writing. I sometimes wonder if you’re still there. Are blogs becoming outdated? Do you still need us to share?

Just random thoughts, but I wanted to write on this late Tuesday night because I’ve noticed so many of our friends in the chronic illness community struggling with living. And of course, if you’ve read my posts you’ll know I’m no stranger to this.

What kept me going when I had absolutely nothing to hold onto was the very small possibility that I might be wrong about my decision Click To Tweet

I wish there was a simple answer I could give. But there isn’t. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation since childhood but I never thought I’d get to the place I’m at now. If I’m honest I’ve made it way further than I thought I could! I never imagined I’d live to see 30 years of age, let alone past it! It’s a miracle I’m still here! And I’m thankful. So thankful. But it’s not been easy.

Unknown possibilities 

I just wanted to give some encouragement to my friends who are struggling. Please, reach out to someone who cares. You can talk to me too. If I had succeeded the times I tried to end my existence, I’d have missed out on so much. I remember and I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have a tomorrow. 

What kept me going when I had absolutely nothing to hold onto was the very small possibility that I might be wrong about my decision (and there is always the possibility that as humans we might be wrong) and I would always tell myself try to hold on until tomorrow. And when tomorrow would come, I’d try to hold on to the next tomorrow. One day at a time.

Because the truth is, in most tomorrows I found some little light flickering in the world, some little beauty that made me cry or feel like my heart would explode and I wondered what else was out there waiting for me. Some random person would take notice of me and acknowledge my existence. Simplistic but powerful when one feels invisible, worthless and easily missed. I knew I couldn’t discover the rest of what’s waiting in the world for me if I’m not here. If I could wait just one more day, I told myself. One more day. That made me stay day after day. Your breakthrough could come tomorrow but you won’t know if you’re not here.

One chance

We should stay for ourselves. And that is reason enough. Because we are worth something. Our lives are immeasurable. However little we think of ourselves, we are something and there is possibility in us. That is not nothing. Click To Tweet

I remember after surviving near fatal suicidal attempts doctors would always ask me what was my ‘staying factor.’ That is, who I was staying for. For a long time it was my grandparents. And I knew that whenever they left I’d be in trouble. I learn’t from experience we shouldn’t stay for people.

We should stay for ourselves. And that is reason enough. Because we are worth something. Our lives are immeasurable. However little we think of ourselves, we are something and there is possibility in us. That is not nothing.

And we are here in this place, by some miracle or chance and yes we don’t have control over where we land and the circumstances we’ve been born into but here we are in a world of pain yes, but a world of wonders too. And if there is one life, one chance is too much to waste.

It is a golden token that we may never land again (who knows?) and one no one can take that from us, not capitalism nor the rich one percent. Whatever inequality there is we have all been born and we will all die at the end of our lives. Use your life’s token until the very end. It’s the one thing that makes us equal. You’re meant to be here and your departure would not be without consequence, for people or the world around us. You are one with and part of this universe. It is not whole without you here now. 

Please stay. I’m so glad that I did. 

You are loved. So very loved. And you are not alone. 

There is help and support.

And if you need to learn how to support someone struggling you can do this quick helpful 10 minute suicide awareness training. 

Gentle hugs x

Cover photo by Greg Rakozy