I sometimes forget how triggering some things can be. Most of the time I’d like to think I’m rock solid. Unflinching at the things that make most squirm.
But some other times, when I least expect it I am a fragile egg, just waiting for the crack lines to spread. Trauma is a strange thing.
For most of my life I suppressed it. I’m not sure why- maybe because no one acted like the things that happened were bad, or maybe I perceived it that way. Now some act like it never happened.
And when I did let it out I felt compelled to contain it, lest I crack fully and fall apart into pieces unable to come together again.
I was watching a tv show and didn’t realise I was feeling particularly fragile.
It triggered me.
I had a moment of crisis, and fell into old habits and unhelpful thoughts.
I walked outside into the freezing cold and let it bite me. I shivered, but I welcomed it, for fear that I’d let some other serious harm befall me.
Right now I do not know what tomorrow holds but I’ve made it till now. I’ve plastered up the cracks and glued together the broken bits. That is a victory. Till the next day.
Yes, this is so familiar to me.
Trauma and grief, especially for these things that have affected our bodies and minds, is complex and continually changing. And old behaviors and thought come in and out. And I start freaking, “oh no, I’m losing all the progress I made.” But it’s not that simple. Great post, thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing with me Heidi- it’s exactly what I was thinking! you’ve encouraged me by letting me know I’m not alone when I’m worrying about my progress. I get people saying ‘let it go.’ But it’s not that I’m holding onto it- I’ve moved on but it’s always there. Sending you hugs hun. Sorry you’ve suffered this terrible pain too. Hugs x
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Yes, this is so familiar to me.
Trauma and grief, especially for these things that have affected our bodies and minds, is complex and continually changing. And old behaviors and thought come in and out. And I start freaking, “oh no, I’m losing all the progress I made.” But it’s not that simple. Great post, thank you.
Thanks so much for sharing with me Heidi- it’s exactly what I was thinking! you’ve encouraged me by letting me know I’m not alone when I’m worrying about my progress. I get people saying ‘let it go.’ But it’s not that I’m holding onto it- I’ve moved on but it’s always there. Sending you hugs hun. Sorry you’ve suffered this terrible pain too. Hugs x