This post was originally published on 17 May 2018
*Warning – this post may contain triggers*
I know it may be distressing, but
sometimes, no always, when I hit rock bottom I count my reasons to stay alive.
Having been to that place more than I’d like to admit, I’d gotten into the subconscious practise of doing it without reason. A reminder, almost, to keep me going before I hit rock bottom, again.
It happens, with some of us humans. Some of us I think are prone to revisiting the same dark places. Maybe down to past traumas that stay with us, genes that we inherit or God knows what is responsible. I don’t actually think thoughts of suicide are uncommon. I just think some of us are more open and honest about it than others. I’ve already felt the sting of stigma and shame, and now, I just care a lot less about what people think. A lot less. Maybe one day, I hope, I won’t care at all. I see that hiding it hurts more than it helps.
In the past when I’d tried to end my life, I couldn’t think of any reason why I should stay here, in this place, where often, it feels like I am a stranger, unbelonging.
But having survived two serious attempts, I don’t know. The world seemed different when I woke from my slumber.I felt different. Not new. Just, it felt like I was seeing with new eyes.
Now, I can count reasons to stay. So I do.
First I count, all the beautiful people I have been so blessed to love, and who actually love me back.Of beautiful best friends who I must see again. Of Jaqs and baby J who I want to know me. Who must know, he is well loved by his aunty, though he is yet to know her. Of Gaysh, whose face I dream of seeing again soon.
Of precious grandparents who I must see again before they depart for the next life.
Of the stories I am yet to tell.
Of the stories I am yet to hear.
Of the people I am yet to love, and who are yet to love me.
I think of love.
Of the souls whose lives I am yet to touch, and whose lives are yet to touch mine.
I think of what grand possibilities might be, but won’t, if I remove myself prematurely from this space.
What difference can I make?
It is haunting.
What reasons keep you alive?
Gentle hugs x
Cover photo byStefany Andrade
Slider image byJoshua Fuller