This post was originally published on 17 May 2018
*Warning – this post may contain triggers*
I know it may be distressing, but
sometimes, no always, when I hit rock bottom I count my reasons to stay alive.
Having been to that place more than I’d like to admit, I’d gotten into the subconscious practise of doing it without reason. A reminder, almost, to keep me going before I hit rock bottom, again.
It happens, with some of us humans. Some of us I think are prone to revisiting the same dark places. Maybe down to past traumas that stay with us, genes that we inherit or God knows what is responsible. I don’t actually think thoughts of suicide are uncommon. I just think some of us are more open and honest about it than others. I’ve already felt the sting of stigma and shame, and now, I just care a lot less about what people think. A lot less. Maybe one day, I hope, I won’t care at all. I see that hiding it hurts more than it helps.
In the past when I’d tried to end my life, I couldn’t think of any reason why I should stay here, in this place, where often, it feels like I am a stranger, unbelonging.
But having survived two serious attempts, I don’t know. The world seemed different when I woke from my slumber.I felt different. Not new. Just, it felt like I was seeing with new eyes.
Now, I can count reasons to stay. So I do.
First I count, all the beautiful people I have been so blessed to love, and who actually love me back.Of beautiful best friends who I must see again. Of Jaqs and baby J who I want to know me. Who must know, he is well loved by his aunty, though he is yet to know her. Of Gaysh, whose face I dream of seeing again soon.
Of precious grandparents who I must see again before they depart for the next life.
Of the stories I am yet to tell.
Of the stories I am yet to hear.
Of the people I am yet to love, and who are yet to love me.
I think of love.
Of the souls whose lives I am yet to touch, and whose lives are yet to touch mine.
I think of what grand possibilities might be, but won’t, if I remove myself prematurely from this space.
What difference can I make?
It is haunting.
What reasons keep you alive?
Gentle hugs x
Cover photo byStefany Andrade
Slider image byJoshua Fuller
4 Replies to “Reasons to stay alive”
My dear…. you have spoken my words and felt my feelings. You are brave to speak them out loud and will help so many. I’m so sorry to know you have been doing badly lately. What is going on with us? The same has been on this end. We will over come.. we don’t have a choice , right. You are an amazing woman, and I can’t wait to read more of what you’ve written. Looks like your blog has changed and you are doing more writing and thinking… Cathy
Thank you for saying that my friend. It is beyond words to describe the feeling of knowing we walk the same path, feeling the same things. It reminds me we’re not alone. Thank you.
Interesting you said that about my blog. I hadn’t consciously thought of it but I used to be braver when writing when I first started. Then stigma, judgement and fear took over after bad experiences. I hope I will be able to come back entirely to the me who is not afraid to say what her heart feels. Thank you, thank you, thank you … remember you’re not alone xxx❤️💝
A brave post x children are always a good thing to focus on xx Lowen @ livingpositivelywithdisability.com
Thank you my dear. Wanna know something weird? I’d never noticed the children thing before until my best friend had a baby (who coincidentally shares my birthday) almost 2 years ago. You are right though. They are beautiful xx ❤️