*Warning* This post may contain triggers. Read with caution.
I rarely talk about my struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder.
For lots of reasons, shame, fear of stigma, discrimination which I’ve received before… But I’ve been talking to a few people who have been struggling themselves with depression and other things, which I am also diagnosed with, and tonight I thought I would share this with you.
Since I was a really young child I have had recurring, constant thoughts of death. My own death. In some ways it feels like an obsession. But after my previous two (serious) suicide attempts I’ve endeavoured to try my best to stay. It is difficult. I won’t lie. I cannot.
It is difficult because I think I’d like to live, but it doesn’t help that I get compulsive thoughts, whenever I see an opportunity, to end it all.
A lot has changed since my last two attempts.
I have actively tried, very hard to plod on. I have found happy moments, and I now see so much more of the beauty in the world.
This however hasn’t rid me of the overwhelming feelings I have of emptiness or questions around meaning when I am not occupied. It certainly hasn’t rid me of the thoughts that plague me. But I have more gratitude, for everything I have, and every person I am blessed to have crossed paths with, particularly those I love and learn from.
This week has been bad.
On top of all else, I have been struggling immensely with my self image and confidence.
Tonight wasn’t great. So I ran.
Run, run away
I’ve been meaning to try again at running for ages. But I was worried and feeling self conscious and waiting for someone to go with me. But there was no one.
I’d tried before but failed, when I was really unwell from fibromyalgia. Since my change in diet and so on, I figured I should try again, but couldn’t find the motivation. Fear was a big factor, not being sure if I could do it.
Tonight I’d had it. At 10:30pm I put my running gear on and went out. I tried the app Couch to 5K (it was dead boring, forget it) but the tip was useful. I walked briskly for 90 seconds then ran for 60 seconds three times, managing 15 minutes. I still patted myself on the back, considering I’d not been able to before I I previously needed a walking stick and all). I will aim to try again, and have been particularly motivated by my friend Kayla who lives with Crohn’s disease and started running.
It was liberating to just run.
I got home knackered, had a shower and rubbed myself down with raw coconut oil as my beautiful Ma used to do. I decided to cook my aubergines. In between I’ve had a couple drinks of rum and pineapple/mango squash. In the end I went for baking the aubergines, thinly sliced, layered with seasoned tomato passata and parmesan and topped with mozzarella and mushrooms (I think I will post the recipe this week). While I was cooking though, my flatmate stumbled in drunk, and we talked for a very long time.
In between cooking, I listened to music on my fantastic light changing Betron speakers (which I love and are visually stunning) and read a new book, Buddhism plain and simple.
I am feeling pleased that I managed to stay here. I’m not feeling half as bad as when I’d started my night.
Tomorrow is another day.
What has helped you to cope with recurring thoughts of suicide?
Gentle hugs x
Cover image by Li Yang
Slider image by Sharon McCutcheon
Read more: Musings on suicide – love might save a life