Throughout my life I have grappled with a range of distressing issues that I somehow thought were unique to me.
I struggled to make and keep friends, suffered tumultuous emotions as I went through various circumstances that included severe bullying, physical, sexual and emotional abuse, low self-image and never feeling happy with anything I’ve done. No matter what I accomplished, as soon as it was achieved, I would start looking for the next thing to achieve, hoping that it would bring me some joy and feelings of self-worth. But I am still waiting, and hoping.
Terrible nightmares have dogged me since childhood, and no matter how hard I tried I always seemed to find myself in unhealthy relationships, romantic and platonic. I started to think that I somehow attracted these kinds of people along with bullies and control freaks.
I thought the perpetual feelings of emptiness that plagued me were due to clinical depression, which I was diagnosed with at the age of 16.
I hid my scars with shame; shame that I did what I did to escape the pain, and to release the immense tension trapped in my frail body. Alcohol was a great comfort too.
Trapped inside me
Truth be told, I thought that something was wrong with me. I couldn’t get why people behaved in the way that they do, so harsh, selfish and cold; and I often felt misunderstood, and judged harshly by the world. I consider myself enigmatic, but I see the world in the same light. The feelings of confusion that beset me at the age of 5 when my mother severely beat me in front of neighbors for allowing an older bully, at least 7 years my senior to steal my lunch and almost choke me to death, continued to follow me through life.
It wasn’t until my late twenties that I was diagnosed with Complex-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The first I kinda got as the psychiatrist explained, but I had never heard of BPD before. I am still trying to make sense of it, all I knew is as the psychiatrist outlined the symptoms, it sounded like she was talking about me. It explained why I always felt homeless, like I didn’t belong in this world.
It’s taken me a long time to write this post because for several months I felt so alone in this. So alone. And ashamed.
Every day I might experience conflicting emotions but each is genuine, strong, and how I feel at the time. One minute I can be humming tune, then the next, I am in tears.
Everyday I struggle with living.
I am used to blogging about living with fibromyalgia and depression, but I was scared to come out as someone living with BPD. Afraid of being judged, or it being used against me. One person had accused me of being ‘paranoid.’
Many times, it feels safer to stay in my shell, hiding away, but I have met very caring, empathetic people who have given me hope that there is still good left in this dark world.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I hope it will be the first of many posts on life with BPD, as I navigate these uncertain waters, looking for redemption and healing in the war against BPD.
Gentle Hugs:) x
24 Replies to “My battle with Borderline Personality Disorder”
You will find healing and I know how lonely mental health disorders can feel… We always feel like we’re the only one because everyone else seems so “normal” but it is only because everyone else who suffers is scared and ashamed too… Thank you for being brave… Love and gentle hugs 🙂
Thank you Friend:) It can be very lonely. I greatly appreciate your kindness. Love and gentle hugs to you too;) x
You are very brave to share this, and although I know no one can truly know what you experience, please know that there are others out there who do understand and care. As a child, I vividly remember wanting to just die when I was only about 4 or 5 years old, and I felt unwanted and unloved and as if I had no right to even exist on this earth. I’ve known horrible nightmares. (My Native American friend told me to put a dream catcher in the window, and I did. Although there’s nothing scientific about that, my bad dreams did go away.) I’ve always felt like an outsider no matter where I was or what I was doing. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, and counselling sessions plus my faith have carried me through so far. The more I’ve aged, the more I’ve learned about my own self-worth, and life now is so much better than in the past. Hang in there! Therapy will help, and life will get better! Cheers and love!
Thank you so much my friend. You are always so supportive and kind. Thank you for your empathy. I am also very sorry that you have suffered this. I can relate to it. As a child I also wanted to die. I always felt like my existence was surreal, like I’m not really here, and this made death a very viable option to me. Because how could death have any major impact if I wasn’t really here? It’s hard to explain but it’s how I felt and often still feel. Thank you for suggesting the dream catcher. A friend also recommended that I get one. I have been looking out for one but they’re so expensive here and I’m struggling at the moment with only working part-time. As soon as I can I will look for one. Like you, my faith has been instrumental in keeping me going when I feel like I am on my last. But sometimes I feel guilty that I feel the way I do, with everything God has done for us etc. I feel very lost now but I am trying to hang on, and your lovely words really make a difference. I hope that with time too, I will start to feel better. Hugs and love 🙂 x
PS: You know, I’ve always wanted to ask, but didn’t because I didn’t want to make you uncomfy. We have been in touch for a long while but I do not know your name? is it ok for me to ask?
It is absolutely okay for you to ask my name! I sometimes forget that my name is nowhere to be found on my blog. My name is Deborah Kroll. My friends call me Deb. Take care and keep hanging in there!
Haha thank you Deb:) what a lovely name! Take care of yourself and chat soon, love Alisha x
Thank you Tienny:)
Alisha, you are welcome
🙂 Thanks Tienny. It’s amazing how a few kind words from someone can make a big difference. Really thank you my friend:) hope you are well and thanks for stopping by;)
You are welcome. I’m hoping to be well 🙂
Yes its difficult.
My father was the parent from nightmare land!
Keep going. We fibromites have enough! M.S.x
Thanks M! it helps to have encouragement from one another. I’m glad you persevered too! how have you been my friend? x
It’s difficult, I know……………………………..BPD, Fibro, PTSD, and many more…………………I felt worthless and wanting to die by the age of 8. Poor body image from the time I was in kindergarten, as early as I remember. could have been longer…………All the traumatic events in my life were not caused by my mother or father. In fact, my mother is the most patient, kind, and caring soul I’ve ever met. So happy she’s my mom. I don’t remember much about my dad, but what I do remember is he loved me very much and never hurt me. My father was killed by a drunk driver when I was only 8. A part of me died that day, too………………..I blamed myself for his death…………..I never told anyone that, until I was in my 20’s………………..I feel the pain you carry………………have you ever tried DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy?) I used to go to DBT group therapy, along with working with 2 other therapists, all at the same time. I no longer go to group because my illnesses knock me down……………..but, I go pretty faithfully, twice, every week. One therapist mainly focuses on the pain issues, but there’s so much else going on inside me, she deals with whatever I need dealing with. Then there’s my first therapist (not in my life, but for the past several years) and she gets whatever I’m going through at any given time. I have 2 of the best therapist’s, anyone could ask for. I’ll probably be in therapy til the day I die……………………….most days, I hope that’s sooner, than later…………………..If you don’t have any DBT groups in your area. You can go online and buy a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Workbook. It’s a good tool. I don’t use it as much as I should. But, when I was going to group and was really focusing on all this BPD stuff and really trying to overcome it or figure out how to just chill out, I found it very helpful, in the moment, anyway. But, most times, there are “automatic” things I go to and before I can even think about it, I’ve already done it……………………….I’m so glad to have come across this blog of yours. I cannot write about these kinds of things on mine. My mother, family, and friends, read my blog. don’t need anyone freaking out. I would never hurt another living soul, no matter how enraged I might get. The only person I would ever even consider harming would be me, just myself. I’m no one to be afraid of. I have a great sense of humor. I have a lot of friends, but most of them can’t find time for someone so sick, like me. That’s okay, I have so many other “better” friends, right here on WP. People, like me……………..people that get it………….I’m a very social person, always have been. I get along with just about anyone and everything because I never judge anyone. If you hurt me, I’m done with you, but that rarely happens………..They just can’t feel my pain and know how very real it is………………YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS NEVER-ENDING BATTLE, my friend. You keep hanging on, and I will too………….If you think it, you can’t help it, as we do not control our thoughts. What we do control, is what we do with our thoughts. I’ve done and still do, terrible things to me, just me……………………..nobody else……………….I’ve not found anyone that talks about this in such depth, as you do. You have no idea how much you are helping those of us that aren’t afraid to talk about it. Keep doing what you do. HUGS HUGS HUGS LOVE PEACE FRIENDSHIP HUGS………………………..Take care of you………….I’ll be back. Until then, PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 🙂 🙂
Ohh Tams! you’re just amazing! thank you for your kind words always!
Im really sorry to hear about your dad- that must have been tough.
Im really glad that you had loving parents too.
Its weird having low self confidence. I’ve always struggled with this and it’s hard to imagine that one day I will wake up liking me and feeling confident of who I am. It is because all my life it’s been the opposite- so I can definitely relate to you!
Ive never tried DBT but i was given the option before I started group psychoanalytic therapy. the therapist said she felt this was best suited for me and explained why. Im not a fan of group therapy but she understands me very well so I trusted her on it. I have heard about DBT workbooks though- Ill check it out and see if I am can find an affordable one around-thanks so much my friend!
You know, re self harm, Ive heard so many misconceptions about it. There was once someone I cared about who said to me ‘but you’re someone who self-harms.’ And I felt like he was saying this act defines or says alot about me, ina negative sense. It hurt because I know I would never hurt another being, and I know too it’s not what I ever wanted but when one is entrenched in so much pain it is possible to turn to self harm for relief. I always said that would never be me. I am really sorry that you struggle with this too. Just remember your’re not alone. We get stronger each day we persist and persevere against the odds. Love and a million, cazillion, ca dwillion hugs 😀 xxx
So happy to have you as my friend. So glad our paths have crossed. I call it fate when I find someone like you, that is so much like me, and hurting inside, and you talk openly about all of it on your blog. That gives people like me, who cannot do that, a place to encourage and receive support. It’s a win-win situation, my friend. hang on………..don’t you go anywhere without me, deal????? I’m here, when I’m here anyway, so you can talk t me, anytime. If you send me an email to my old email address before I close it for good, I’ll send you my new one, k? One step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time………………….PERSEVERANCE……I will do good for awhile, maybe a month at the longest and then it gets bad, again, for awhile. I then chill out for a few days, a day, a week, 2 weeks, whatever………………….I always do it, again. It is the only real thing that helps with the physical and emotional pain, both. I know other’s cannot understand us, but I know you understand me……………..It’s real. It makes me feel better, at the time. Then you know what happens after……………………….the shame and the guilt set in………………..only for the fear of what other’s will think, if they find out. Nothing worse than going to the doctor, wearing a dress, and not expecting to be getting undressed for anything. I said something about my “other” leg hurting, so she reaches over and pulls up my dress to see that leg, and well, you know the deal……………………she saw the ONE…………..the shame and the guilt were in over-drive because the last time I had seen her, which is often, I told her I wasn’t doing that any more, and I meant it when I said it…I didn’t want to do it, anymore, but I and then I felt like she thought I had lied to her……………I really meant it when I said it…………This shit can sure get ya in a bind!!!!!! If other’s would just mind their own damn business, there wouldn’t have to be this stigma attached to it. It’s really no big deal. I don’t do it to kill myself. I do it to ease the pain, the agonizing pain……………………….I know you understand exactly what I’m saying. We gotta stick together and beat this monster, together…………PEACE LOVE AND HUGS…………………………………PEACE OUT, ALI GIRL!!!!!!! 🙂
Oh Tams… sighs. I’m definitely here for you. I can relate too to the shame and guilt. Those are also very negative things that prevent people from getting the help they need and from healing.
It is something I battle with too. Fear of judgement.I hope your doctor is understanding. It can be hard to find those. I had a very conflicting relationship with my gp, but after the bpd diagnosis, she suddenly became more empathetic and one time remarked that it was helpful to know. I think it maybe put alot of things into context for her because I couldn’t understand how she went from being so unreasonable to suddenly very understanding (to my mind). Not everyone gets that way when they find out though. I have felt immense shame about the bpd diagnosis and debated with removing that post from my blog, until I settled with just putting it somewhere it’s not too ‘in your face.’ That’s the power of shame and guilt. But it’s people like you and me who must work to change that, not only for ourselves but others too.
Im also very very glad to have met you & have this friendship. Will check and reply to your email by weekend. Lots of love Tammy Tams (Ali, peacing out :D) xxx
LOL Ali Peacing out. That’s what I like to hear…………………..Go to my blog, when you have a minute and go to the sidebar and click on April , 2015, and read what I posted “Mental Illness (As I Understand It). Let me know what you think. Please. I wrote about the mental health stigma needing to be gone, like already!!!!! We are judging ourselves when we feel all that guilt and shame. Let’s try not to feel that way, afterwards……It’s already done at that point and to guilt and shame ourselves doesn’t help matters. It makes me feel good about it at the time, so I’m going to enjoy the release and get on with it. No guilt, no shame, NO MORE………………………….how bout it? Peace out. Sorry, I think I forgot to tell you to Peace out on my last reply. 🙂
Lol:) yes sure hunny, of course I;ll go check out the post! it’s really good of you. We have to do all we can to raise awareness. I didn’t notice you forgot to say ‘peace out’! if it’s any consolation, when I see a message from you, I go into ‘peacing out’ mode 😀 lol, muah! x
Hi girl. Hope you’re feeling “better.” I know you’re peacing out!!! LOL 🙂 Keep on Peacing out, Tammy XXXXX 🙂
Haha, yes def trying to take your advice and peace out 😀 hope you are too Tams! xxx
Yep, Ali Cat, I’m peacing out. I’m in a big flare, the past few weeks, and it’s getting worse before it’s going to get better. You know how it works………..Was doing “okay” for a week or 2 and BOOM!!!!! just like that……..BOOM! So, I’m here in my bed, just peacing out…………listening to some great music and taking time to read some other blogs. Finding some amazing blogs……………There are so many amazing blogs, here. Peace out………….XXXXX )
Oh so sorry to hear Tammy Tams, get better soon! I havent been able to check out blogs in such a long time. Could really use a break! Hugs and love xxxx