I was listening to Lana Del Rey’s I Can Fly, and it elicited something in me.
She sings ‘You had me caged up like a bird in the summer….I was waiting to fly…’
I am not crazy. I am not sick. I am just a caged bird waiting to fly.
I am ready, but…
I am trying to unravel the chains that bind me but it feels like the more I unwrap them the more chains I discover..More and more and more chains. Seemingly never ending.
When will it end?
Hope for salvation
There are days of course when a blitz of optimism hits me like lightening and I am determined. Determined to set myself free.
But there are also days when the mental exhaustion renders me weak, unable to continue pulling myself out of the chains holding me for 29 years. I can imagine the life outside the cage doors where I’ve never been.
I know some people who have claimed the freedom that I so want, acquired through various means.
I have tried some of these methods. I will try anything once, at least. But I also know people who have lived their entire lives in the deep holes of depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline personality disorder…
Fibromyalgia is enough to bear. But these mental conditions are different devils to battle.
I do not want to live like this. I do not want to be one of my friends out there dragging through life with the black dog latched onto their feet. They try to make the best of it. I admire their resilience. But I do not want to be them. I cannot be them.
I want to free.
They say I will likely need support my entire life to carry on with these chains around me.
No. They must be wrong.
I am weary and broken but I am not defeated yet.
Salvation will come. It has to.
I am fighting, and I am waiting. And when it comes, I will fly.