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Waiting to Fly

Photo by FireflyFlyAway
Photo by FireflyFlyAway

I was listening to Lana Del Rey’s I Can Fly, and it elicited something in me.

She sings ‘You had me caged up like a bird in the summer….I was waiting to fly…’

I imagined the ‘You’ in her song as the depression and complex PTSD stifling me, tying my wings back.

I am not crazy. I am not sick. I am just a caged bird waiting to fly.

I am ready, but…

I am trying to unravel the chains that bind me but it feels like the more I unwrap them the more chains I discover..More and more and more chains. Seemingly never ending.

Jesus.

When will it end?

Hope for salvation

There are days of course when a blitz of optimism hits me like lightening and I am determined. Determined to set myself free.

But there are also days when the mental exhaustion renders me weak, unable to continue pulling myself out of the chains holding me for 29 years. I can imagine the life outside the cage doors where I’ve never been.

I know some people who have claimed the freedom that I so want, acquired through various means.

I have tried some of these methods. I will try anything once, at least. But I also know people who have lived their entire lives in the deep holes of depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline personality disorder…

Fibromyalgia is enough to bear. But these mental conditions are different devils to battle.

I do not want to live like this. I do not want to be one of my friends out there dragging through life with the black dog latched onto their feet. They try to make the best of it. I admire their resilience. But I do not want to be them. I cannot be them.

I want to free.

They say I will likely need support my entire life to carry on with these chains around me.

No. They must be wrong.

I am weary and broken but I am not defeated yet.

Salvation will come. It has to.

I am fighting, and I am waiting. And when it comes, I will fly.

Gentle hugs:)

potofcallaloo
Alisha Nurse is a curry-loving writer & comms professional who holds a Master of Arts Degree in Journalism (International) from the University of Westminster, London. Get in touch with any feedback or questions via the contact form in the 'About' section.

8 thoughts on “Waiting to Fly

  1. Alisha – oh love your words are a screaming cry for help and it hurts me to think that I am helpless. Being positive does not cure anything I have discovered, but what it does do is put you in the best place you can be in all your circumstances. You are already in that place with the effort and positivity that you exude. This last post carries despair, but in your own words love – “Never give up”. There are always better days and then the views change slightly. You achieve so much and I admire you for all that effort. I touch it just a little in battling black dog to let me run my Sunshine and Showers Group. One of the members has changed his diet in the light of sugar sensitivity. The book involved is scientific and intricate, but it shows how sugar affects the brain and how it has a negative effect with sugar sensitive people. It is called Potatoes not Prozac. I would love to think it is useful to you, but if you recognise yourself , the regime is quite complicated, but apparently works. I know you are careful what you eat already, but there may be some hints that make a bit of difference. You start by doing nothing but keep a journal of all the foods eaten and at what time of day etc. for a fortnight, whilst reading the book, then you start in earnest. Anyway no harm in reading book for clues. Hope you find the sunshine today darling – love and hugs – M xx Date: Sat, 17 Jan 2015 05:36:17 +0000 To: magwhittaker@hotmail.co.uk

    1. Thanks so much darling M. I eat little sugar but I will look for the book. Thanks for your kind words. You are right and there are always better days so I try to remember when things are dark. Thanks so much M. Hope you are well, love Alisha x

  2. Life is crazy and can be cruel.
    We can still help ones like us to bear up, everything we write is such a good way to cope.
    I like the idea of blogging.
    Helps us to help each other. I may not blog often,but I care,I really do,and thank you so much for your lovely words.d x

  3. This is beautiful. You will fly, you will! It might not look the way you think it will look, but it comes, it does. I’m 42 and have dealt with depression, anxiety, PTSD, Fibro, ADD, and more and yes, I can be down. But there are also times of peace and joy. I know they are there for you too.

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