In the song Feel Robbie Williams poignantly sings ‘I don’t wanna die but I ain’t keen on living either.’
I never considered myself a Robbie fan but I found myself reassessing this after I mulled over his lyrics which I found myself relating to. I thought he was really good at verbalising some very complex feelings which I have and had harboured in the past.
The lyrics above explain a feeling that has haunted me. It is a struggle standing at a crossroads with life and death before you, and not wanting either.
So what do you do?
Anyway, on the subject of overpowering feelings (and thoughts) I wondered how other people managed them.
Apart from self harming, I wondered what other things people find themselves turning to for relief, comfort, solace or whatever. And do these methods work?
Pain over thoughts
Interestingly enough, a controversial new study suggests people, mostly men, would choose pain (giving themselves electric shocks) rather than being left to contend with their own thoughts.
Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. Pain can be an effective distraction from overwhelming thoughts and feelings. But then, one is left to deal with the aftermath. Scars, cuts needing stitches, bad hangovers. And stares and criticisms from judgemental people. Plus, we really need to move away from hurting ourselves to loving ourselves.
Sleep works pretty well as a short term measure for me (a rarity if you have fibromyalgia) but then when I wake the thoughts and feelings remain.
In the end, I think we must all return to these demonic thoughts and feelings and face them head on. Scary thing I know, but we will continue to make full, harmful circles if we don’t.
We must be brave.
The great thing is we don’t have to do it alone. There is psycho analytic therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, and all other kinds of therapy that we can try to deal with overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
I think if one kind of therapy doesn’t work, it’s imperative to try another. And if that doesn’t work, try something else.
It is in our nature as human beings to want to be alive. To fight for our lives. It is a hard fight with fibromyalgia and this kind of exhaustion that leaves you feeling lifeless for no reason. When getting out of bed is too tiring, chewing or talking is so exhausting you’d rather not. How do you live? Compounded by depression and the whole lot of it, it is a question I’ve asked myself since childhood. How does one live with this?
At this crossroads, even when faced with imposing thoughts and feelings, we should make a choice to live. It is not an easy one with the weights of fibromyalgia, clinical depression, PTSD and other conditions; but in any event I hope you choose to live. We don’t know what tomorrow might bring.
You’re not alone, and I stand right next to you holding your hand. Fight on.
Gentle hugs 🙂