Some days I want to wither into dry leaves and float away, carelessly and light on the gusts of wind.
Some days I don’t want to exist. It is true.
I imagine that in another life I would be whole. And complete.
Free from fibromyalgia and the pain round the edges of the gaping hole inside me. I imagine being able to live fully and wholly, maximising my true potential and shining bright, bright, bright.
Oh how I imagine it. And how I want it. Sometimes.
But on days like today, I sit on a packed train, dark-circled eyes gazing into space, imagining an end to the suffering. I just want to disappear again. Until I have moments like these:
The guy sitting next to me offers his seat to a seven year old girl who is sighing heavily.
“That was kind of him wasn’t it?” I said to her as she sits.
Confidently she answers, “Yes it was.”
It invited conversation.
“Your bracelets are so pretty, where did you get them?” she asks all bright eyed.
“A friend gave them to me as a gift when I left my job last week” I replied.
“All of them?”
“Can I touch them?”
“And your earrings. My teacher has some like those but they’re silver.” She shows me her ears. “I don’t wear earrings, see? Because mum thinks it’s not right. What’s your name?” she asked and the questions progressed into a full on conversation listened in on by other gaping passengers.
By the time she’d left, I remembered why I’d been plodding along. Humanity can be so endearingly heart-warming. Even with all wrong with the world, there is so much that is right.
It was such a wonderful example of how we never know whose lives we are touching by just being ourselves. I’d just spent a week frustratingly coming to terms with the inadequate support of medical services and the tireless games played by people in grown up bodies.
But this little girl rekindled the flames inside me to burn for another day. She was so honest and true and real. She was real.
It was somehow easier to grit my teeth and bear my pain.
I hope in all our doings we can be real too. When we choose to be unreal it hurts others and wrong perpetuates wrong.
Stay blessed, be blessed and love with everything you have.