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Broken but not out

Photo by spablab
Photo by spablab

I feel broken. I am broken but still I carry on.

A direct consequence of this brokenness is that I am self critical, rarely happy with myself or my own efforts.

I recognise this quality in many other people I meet with fibromyalgia and depression.

The problem with fibromyalgia is it makes me so so exhausted, that with impaired cognitive function I’m never able to give 100%.

I forget. I know what I mean to say but cannot find the right words. The pain is too much. I get confused. And I am lost.

Depression adds its hand. It makes me more aware that I am fighting a battle to get my body to do what I want it to.

The fight

I must push myself to work. Loving coax body, mind and soul. Nevermind the pain, the fatigue…never mind I cannot find the right word. I will use a dictionary or ask my co worker shamelessly. I will explain to my boss so he understands my challenges a little better.

I am trying to work with my circumstances and not be inhibited by them.

I am praised at work, but not content myself because I know this is not my best.

Today I am rejected yet another time as an aspiring author, and I believe it is because my work is not good enough. It might have been were it not for f and d.

Perhaps.

I am broken. I have always felt so broken. This is to blame for my self critical nature.

But in a strange, unsettling way, being broken is not such a bad thing. I take up the pieces of myself every time and try to reconstruct ME to someone stronger, sturdier.

Being broken gives me that opportunity.

I’d like to stop being self-critical but it also makes me try harder. I am persevering. I will not stop until I get it right.

When I stop, I would have won and by then I will be whole.

Gentle hugs 🙂

potofcallaloo
Alisha Nurse is a curry-loving writer & comms professional who holds a Master of Arts Degree in Journalism (International) from the University of Westminster, London. Get in touch with any feedback or questions via the contact form in the 'About' section.

8 thoughts on “Broken but not out

  1. The other day I thought I was asking my husband to turn up the volume on the television (which he had put on mute), but I actually asked him to turn up the heat. 🙂 I find myself doing that kind of thing often. And as I get older, the fatigue is worse, and the pain is more disabling. Now the doctor thinks I may have rheumatoid arthritis, and he wants me to see a specialist. That will have to wait because my health insurance is changing. In the meantime, we must carry on. Best wishes to you!

    1. Oh I can definitely relate lol. The fibro fog really annoys me when I mix things up or put things in the wrong places. I am sorry to hear your news. I hope it is not bad at all and that things work out well so you can see that specialist. In the meantime, yes we must carry on. Drink some tea made from ginger root and soak in the tub with epsom salts. Hugs:) x

  2. I understand both the moods and the fog and yet mine is down to a low thyroid. Why are so many illnesses so similar. One day we will find a way to recover from them all.
    Good Luck to you.

    1. Yes I completely get you. Before I had been diagnosed, I was misdiagnosed with one of the similar auto immune diseases. Perhaps there is some underlying similarity. Despite the differing illnesses, we all understand the suffering. Best wishes my friend, thanks:)

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