Struggling

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars” – Khalil Gibran

Today I returned to this favourite meaningful quote.

This was the most awful week. Depression threatening to swallow me up in her tsunami waves. I’m struggling to keep my head above the water.

Being the analytical person I am, even in the throes of this, I asked ‘what is the meaning of all this?’

I received a barrage of answers to do with life tests, faith and… really can’t remember the rest of it now.

I’ve heard it all before. I’m exhausted and it means nothing to me anymore.

I am often inclined to believe that there is no meaning to anything. Perhaps this is depression speaking, as I am not, and never have been a nihilist.

I just cannot understand why things must be the way they are sometimes.

“It’s usually the good, honest people like you who have a hard time in life” said my solicitor.

In the end…

Then my Mama Claire told me that no matter what comes out way in life, we just cannot give up. “I am older so I’ve endured more. So I know. I know that things will work out in the end, but for that to happen you cannot give up.

“I am going down” she said, “but I’m still fighting…”

I admire her resilience. My frail paternal grandmother, has steeled herself through a life of hardship, and shows no sign of letting up.

Now I am trying to steel myself.  But the armour won’t fit properly. It’s competing for a space with depression you see. And everytime I overcome one obstacle, another seems to appear!

This is my struggle.

And I return to Gibran’s words. For me, it doesn’t quite answer the why, but it tells me how I will benefit from all the suffering. I will rise up scarred, but stronger.

I am fighting for my happiness. So I will try as grandmother insists. I will smile even if I’m breaking apart on the inside. I will laugh and enjoy the moment even if my life is volatile. I will push ahead, though I cannot foresee what lies in the uncertain future.

I still don’t know what any of this suffering means. The objective answer might never come.

What do we do then? I suppose grandmother is right. Just keep going and never give up.

Gentle hugs:)