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My Worse (Fibromyalgia) Nightmare

Photo by Julian Stallabrass

I often tell people if I could do away with one symptom of this wretched illness it would be the debilitating exhaustion.

Don’t misunderstand. The pain that fibromyalgia brings can be crazy too but for that, I have strong pain killers. They don’t always hit the spot but at least they do sometimes.

For exhaustion so crippling I cannot get out of bed sometimes, I have nothing. No remedy.

I’ve found something that’s even worse than chronic exhaustion though.

Exhaustion + pain+ no sleep.

Try to remedy the stabbing pains with pain killers, and the lack of sleep with prescribed medication.  All better now? Nope. When all of the above come together they can sometimes brew into a nasty concoction.

Nightmare day in the life of a fibromyalgia sufferer

Case in point:

Friday morning I awoke to throbbing pain in both my feet. My left hand was still throbbing  too from the night before.

I reached for my pain killers.

Wait…I’m super exhausted. So much so that just stretching over for the meds seems a huge task.

Damn it…It’s going to be one of those days; when I’ll be trying to convince myself (for a couple hours) that I’m well enough to go to work.

I have to get to work. I need to work. Because I need the money. But also, I need the purpose and push that work gives me to cope with my condition. I need the smiles and teases and love of those I work beside to get me through the day.

I have to get out of bed. It is so, so hard, but I must…

Remedies…NOT

So I tried something that worked once. I took my painkillers, and informed my boss that I was unwell but that I’d try to make it in for half day once my meds kicked in.

It was supposed to work. The pain killers worked yep. But they sent me off to La La land, where I had a strange whirlwind of dreams that dragged me deeper into some hole where insomniacs must go. I dreamt I was late for work. And late I was.

I snapped out of it abruptly after noon. The good news, I told myself was that I couldn’t feel any annoying throbbing pains again. The bad news was that I was still so exhausted I knew motivating myself and pushing my body would be harder today. The pain killers made it ten times worse for that.

I can deal with the pain (with pain killers) I say. But pain + exhaustion + no sleep + medication? = total disaster! That translates into further weakened cognitive function and exacerbated exhaustion.

In the office, I found being around the love lifted me. Everyone asked of my well being. I’d been left a box of chocolates, told I should go back home. It wasn’t enough though to aid my already bad cognitive impairments now suffering a harsh blow, and increasing exhaustion levels causing heavy breathing to the point of endless sighing.

One of our regional directors passed me by with a smile. I called out to her. Of course I did. I know her. But I called her the wrong name. It was the first of some mini whack moments that really upset me emotionally about this condition.

It is hard living in a body that won’t do what I ask it to. Coax it lovingly I must. Push it I must. And all the while try to be present and do what I have to do. Every single day I must.

Damn it.

Oh to be better one day.

Gentle hugs 🙂

potofcallaloo
Alisha Nurse is a curry-loving writer & comms professional who holds a Master of Arts Degree in Journalism (International) from the University of Westminster, London. Get in touch with any feedback or questions via the contact form in the 'About' section.

6 thoughts on “My Worse (Fibromyalgia) Nightmare

  1. really well written, it’s exactly my story too up to a point – are you still able to work these days? Are you better or worse? I’m only asking from a progression point of view as I was where you are 2.5 years ago and have regressed…. so I’m just curious… mind yourself (-:

    1. Hi Bridget,

      I am still able to work and find that if I don’t have a reason to force myself out of bed I regress – I give in to my exhaustion and pain and stay in bed more, my muscles consequently get weaker and it becomes painful to walk again.
      I’m sorry you’ve not been well. Wish you better:) x

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